(First published in The Dominion Post, June 27.)
More pressing questions for our troubled times:Does the simple act of giving a waitress your food order really justify the word “awesome” in response?
If the entire population of Ireland renounced Catholicism en masse, could anyone blame them?Why do all pop music stations seem to need black 4WD vehicles? Is it because they occasionally have to rescue DJs from remote mountain ranges, or are they rented out to the SIS for surveillance ops?
When will George Gershwin’s estate sue the composers of Radio New Zealand’s Morning Report theme for pinching the first notes of I Got Rhythm?When did it stop being a requirement that stand-up comedians should be funny?
Has narcissism become the defining spirit of Western culture?Do some drivers think it’s an act of bravado to delay turning their lights on until it’s almost pitch dark?
Why are murderous Islamic terrorists euphemistically referred to as militants, a term once used for bolshie trade unionists?If there were a Special Olympics event for craven snivelling, would anyone bother competing against Oscar Pistorius?
What are these district howth boards that radio and television journalists keep referring to?Why are yappy, bad-tempered little dogs suddenly so fashionable?
Why do all the women in Renaissance paintings have legs like rugby forwards?Does Energy and Resources Minister Simon Bridges genuinely think he’s the Master of the Universe, or is it just the impression he gives?
Did it dent Bridges’ ego for a millisecond when he had to admit he hadn’t heard of Victoria Forest Park, where he had just approved mining exploration?Was the answer to that last question “probably not”?
Should it be lawful to let down the tyres of non-disabled people occupying disabled car parks?Former New Zealand First MP Brendan Horan may not be remembered for anything else, but will he earn a place in political history for being on the receiving end of the most shameful slur ever uttered in Parliament?
Had enough vampire shtick?Is the TV reality show Border Patrol compulsory viewing for drug smugglers looking for tips on Customs detection techniques so they can figure out how to avoid them?
How is it that journalists were collectively ranked among the least trusted occupations in a recent Readers’ Digest poll, yet individual journalists – John Campbell, Mike McRoberts, Judy Bailey, Simon Dallow – got a big tick? Some confused thinking going on here, perhaps?Are women looking for a career as classical musicians wasting their time if they don’t happen to be good-looking?
Could much of the current anguish over binge drinking have been avoided if Parliament hadn’t foolishly abolished the offence of being drunk in a public place?Why use the pretentious and ambiguous phrase “in real time”? What’s wrong with “instantly”?
Does Judith Collins have any idea how ridiculous she looked, carefully insinuating herself into photographs of a couple of Hollywood A-listers in the hope the glamour would rub off?Has anyone plucked up the courage to tell Collins that pink is not her colour?
How come fans of rugby, golf, tennis and cricket can watch their favourite sport without getting hysterical, but football fans can’t?Still lying awake at night wondering what you might be missing on Twitter?
Was that a no?Jane Clifton: a national treasure?
A question to which we suspect there is no rational answer: why do people streak?Has the word “homage”, when pronounced with the accent on the second syllable and without sounding the “h”, become the new gold standard for pretentiousness?
Can John Key’s popularity in the polls be explained by the fact that, unlike virtually every other prime minister in living memory, he has carefully avoided getting offside with the media?Considering it costs only a paltry $10,000 to get alongside a cabinet minister, isn’t it downright spiteful of the National Party’s enemies to suggest it’s the party of the rich?
Are health academics the new clergy, earnestly urging us to turn away from wickedness in the form of tobacco, alcohol, sugar and fatty foods?
Has anyone noticed that the traditional term “duck shooters” is being displaced by “duck hunters”, presumably because we’re too sensitive to mention that nasty s-word?How many hours has Defence Minister Jonathan Coleman spent perfecting that throaty, artfully modulated speaking voice?
When did Oxfam mutate from a bona fide charity into an ideologically driven activist organisation?How come so many English immigrants end up working in jobs that involve telling other people what to do?
When Kim Dotcom gets around to launching his own clothing range, is it just possible it will be black?